


Do You Feel What I Feel or Am I Dreaming?

by AimiJ0618



Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: Fluff and Angst, M/M, SecretSantaFS, openending, realizedfeelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-23
Updated: 2019-12-23
Packaged: 2021-02-26 01:51:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,563
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21887773
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AimiJ0618/pseuds/AimiJ0618
Summary: Prompt given: “If you touched me, that’s all you’d focus on, right? I want you to look at me. I don’t want you to want my body. I want you to want the feelings I can give you.”He can't deny things have changed between himself and Yuzu since he announced his retirement. He also can't deny the feelings he has towards Yuzu have changed. But how do you confront the most important person without ruining everything the two of you have if you're wrong?
Relationships: Javier Fernández/Yuzuru Hanyu
Comments: 1
Kudos: 28
Collections: Secret Santa's Kiss & Cry 2019





	Do You Feel What I Feel or Am I Dreaming?

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Mary_the_gardener](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mary_the_gardener/gifts).

> Merry Christmas/Happy Holiday lovely! ;) I hope you like it!

It hasn’t been a full year yet, but coming back to Toronto is already a little weird. Javi makes his way through the familiar airport, retrieving his bags and making his way to the waiting car to take him to his Airbnb. Even with his semi-retirement, and time away, the frigid, cold air that hits him in the face as he’s loading the trunk of the Uber doesn’t surprise him. He’s tired and ready to crash as they drive through the city but he’s anxious and excited to see everyone tomorrow, see what’s changed and what is still the same. The space is kind of small, just a little bit smaller than his old apartment, taking him only a minute to walk through to see everything, but it’s only for a short time so it’ll do. Javi cleans up and gets ready for bed and is out like a light the second his head hits the pillow.

Javi wakes up to bright light streaming in through the window making him curse that he forgot to close the curtains before he crashed. He rolls onto his back, staring up at the ceiling, trying to blink away the remaining sleep from his eyes. He has a long and eventful day ahead of him that he must get ready for no matter how comfortable and still slightly jet lagged he is. He has a meeting with Brian and Tracy to go over the schedule before practice and training begins.

Javi thinks about all the years he's spent here in Toronto and having Brian and Tracy as his coaches. There have been a lot of fond memories between the three of them. There have also been many shared fond memories of a certain Japanese boy that he knows is having a rough time. Javi hasn’t spoken with Yuzu since he reached out to him wishing him a happy birthday and see how his ankle was doing. All he got was a short "Thank You" and a "it hurt, feel much kuyashii", he didn't even get a response when he replied back letting him know he believes in him and he will be better soon and better than ever. Javi was a little disappointed but shouldn't have been surprised. Yuzu has a tendency to shut down and withdraw from people around him when things go wrong. 

He can't deny things have changed between himself and Yuzu since he announced his retirement. He also can't deny the feelings he has towards Yuzu have changed significantly. Although at FAOI, things seemed to have gone back to how it was before the Olympics and Javi wasn't sure how to decipher it. At the Olympics and their CiONTU conversations, he thought Yuzu was "reaching out" in a way, admitting to something that Javi had always questioned. During that time and Javi's own birthday they exchanged many texts and sometimes even video calls when time zones aloud. But all through FAOI there were some shared tight hugs and high-fives, short conversations but nothing that made Javi say for certain how Yuzu really feels towards him. Javi can't say he was exactly confused, they were in Japan after all and Yuzu was very busy being rushed around everywhere for other commitments. Javi just thought he would maybe gain some answers or insight to the real Yuzu now that they're no longer competing against each other. Maybe even spend time away from the ice together.

Javi gathers his things to take a quick shower and to maybe clear his head before heading to the rink. He'll deal with his "Yuzu issue" later. Javi laughs at himself for thinking that. Funny that after all these years and being smacked in the face with your own realized feelings that it's now an issue. Especially with how difficult Yuzu can be. It's taken a lot to get through and come to terms with the root of how he feels about his long-time training partner. He stands in the shower letting the little bit too hot water run down his naked back trying to get his tired muscles to relax. He takes a deep breath standing in the hot rising steam thinking how to go all about this. He just doesn't know how to confront the issue, how to talk to Yuzu without ruining what they've already built, or if he should or when the right time would be.

Javi quickly gets dressed and grabs his training bag and skates and goes to the coffee shop on the corner before making his way to the club. It's not a far walk from where he's staying so he just walks the couple blocks to get there. As he walks through the familiar club, he exchanges greetings and smiles with some of the people he's seen and met throughout the years of training at TCC. For once he's early that none of the other skaters are there yet and shocks the hell out of Brian walking into his office, and he doesn't forget to make him aware of it either. They catch up pretty quickly, Tracy joining them, exchanging hugs and conversation. By the time they are done talking and scheduling, the other skaters start trickling in. They all try to delay starting practice by talk and hanging all over Javi but Brian and Tracy finally get control of everything and get to work warming up. Javi looks around with a smile on his face even though there's one important person missing. Brian and Tracy told him in the office that Yuzu would be there after their break for the second half of practice but it still didn't feel complete.

Javi was so exhausted after the first half of practice that he missed seeing Yuzu walk into the lounge. He was answering some emails when there was a body that plopped down next to him and having the air squeezed out of him by his favorite training mate while he was squealing his name in the way that only Yuzu can.

_"Haaabbbiiiiiii!!!!” _Yuzu says before pulling back and allowing Javi to breathe. 

Javi takes in the sight of seeing Yuzu here next him, his favorite smile that always makes his eyes disappear, the jet-black mushroom hair, the solid body of muscles. They take the time they have to catch up, Yuzu telling Javi about his slow progress of recovery, it still hurts but he's back on ice. 

_"How long you back," Y_uzu asks with timid, glassy eyes. 

Javi sighs and replies, "I'm here for about two and half, three weeks". Javi tries to read the many emotions he sees flit across Yuzu's face but can't decipher anything quick enough. 

_"Good Habi is back, even for just awhile. Brian missed you," _Yuzu says with a small smile. 

_"Only Brian? You didn't miss me? Because I seem to remember a small interview that BRIAN said YOU had missed me,"_Javi says teasingly poking Yuzu in the ribs making him squirm.

_"Maaayybbee a little bit. ," _Yuzu says cheekily trying to hide his laughter but Javi sees something hidden in his eyes.

Javi debates for a second as they start to gather their things to head to practice and just decides to take the chance. _"Would you like to hang out after practice? It doesn't have to be today or anything but we can play some video games or something and order takeout. I brought my system back with me, all you would need to bring is a controller and whatever game you'd like to play," _Javi asks quickly before he can change his mind.

Yuzu just stares at him for a moment, shock, wonder, unease, determination Javi can read from him. _"I...um...I can text mom and let her know. I'll have to stop home for those things but won't take long..." _Javi notices he's slightly blushing but still smiles that same smile when he looks at him.

They head out of the lounge and back towards the rink, their conversation light and back to normal. Javi is finds himself anxious all throughout the rest of practice. Yuzu is still careful on his jumps and is frustrated but always accepts Javi's hand when he offers it but his smiles don't exactly reach his eyes. Javi knows it's because he's having a hard time but he still finds that it kind of stings. He tries to shake it off and ignore it and look forward to after practice.

Practice ends with Javi dripping sweat and breathing hard. He realizes he may have underestimated how in shape he still was. Brian still tells him it was still a good first practice and lets them leave. Javi meets Yuzu on his way out of the locker room as Yuzu was heading in. Javi tells him where he's staying and to let him know when he's on his way over and he'll have everything ready.

Javi gets back to his Airbnb and hurries to take a shower. As much as he wants to just stand in there letting the overly hot water run over his overworked muscles, he doesn't want to leave Yuzu waiting around for him. Javi orders takeout from the restaurant that Yuzu had suggested and while he waits for both Yuzu and the food to arrive, he sets up his system to the TV in the small living room area. 

Javi receives a text from Yuzu that he'll be there in ten minutes. Five minutes later there's a knock on the door for their dinner being delivered. Javi is just pulling out the plates for everything when Yuzu knocks on the door. He lets him in and takes his backpack so he can get settled and take of his shoes. They sit together at the small table between the kitchen and the living room, easy chatter in between bites. Yuzu asks how he's been enjoying Spain and being home and Javi asks Yuzu about his university studies even though he understands little of it. Javi always finds it so amazing how Yuzu balances his own skating and still taking online university classes, studying difficult subjects and somehow connecting it to his skating. This side if Yuzu is rarely seen, the side the outside world never really sees because he builds up his walls, a facade.

They finish their dinner and clean up the dishes. Javi tried protesting when Yuzu went to help wash then plates instead of going to start a game but Yuzu insisted. Javi couldn't stop the smile from forming on his lips seeing Yuzu doing something as little and simples as washing a couple plates. Javi never thought he would ever see this side of Yuzu. They move to the living room, Javi turning on the TV and the gaming system while Yuzu grab his controller and video game from his bag. Yuzu explains the game to Javi and the goal of the game. Javi knows that he set himself up to loose when he invited Yuzu to bring his own game but he was going to try his best at making it a tiny bit harder for him.

After an hour of playing and Javi not even coming close to winning, he had enough. He only came close on the last round because he resorted to desperate measures trying to sabotage Yuzu by trying to obstruct his view, bumping shoulders. 

_"Habi not fight faiiiirr!!!" _Zuzu says between giggles. Javi stops to let Yuzu breathe so not to risk an asthma attack.

They sit on the couch looking at each other, the game forgotten. Javi is trying to read the emotions he sees in Yuzu's face, again the wonder, nervousness, his inquiring gaze but nothing that gives Javi a clear answer. Before Javi can decide how to go about this, he ruins the moment himself having it interrupted by a yawn that sends Yuzu into another fit of giggles.

Yuzu starts gathering his things and thanks Javi for a fun night. _"You should get some rest. You had full day practice and I mean...you ooollllddd skater now," _Yuzu says cheekily and pats Javi’s head before putting on his shoes.

Javi laughs because it's such Yuzu thing to say. _"I'm old huh? Let's see if you're still saying that by the end of my training!" _

Javi sees something in Yuzu's eyes at that remark, something like those words hurt. He only catches a glimpse of it because Yuzu looks down and starts "fixing" his hair behind his ears, a nervous tick Javi know that it is a thing Yuzu does when he's overwhelmed and trying to "calm down".

_"Thank you again Habi, I'll see you at practice tomorrow," _Yuzu says giving Javi a hug before he heads home.

"_Anytime Yusu, it was fun! Goodnight, text me you got home safe!" _Javi replies. Javi watches as Yuzu gets into the elevator and shares a smile and small wave before the doors close and Yuzu is out of sight.

Javi looks around the now quiet and empty area and sighs. _What am I going to do with him? What should I say? _Javi asks himself as he sits down on the couch and grabs the pillow next to him. It smells like Yuzu and his lemon and lavender soap. Javi groans and tosses the pillow and heads to bed. _So much for having my emotions in check_Javi thinks to himself as he settles in for the night.

It goes on like this the rest of the week, Javi fighting with his emotions and doing nothing to resolve the "Yuzu Issue", and Yuzu isn't making it easy or clear to Javi either. Yuzu would seek Javi out when things in practice weren't going his way. He would lie on the ice a little longer till Javi would come over to offer a hand up. When Javi would skate up to him to try and calm him down, place a hand on his waist, Yuzu would lean into Javi's touch more each time. Yuzu would sit with him during breaks, laugh at Javi's jokes, and poke at him. In the locker room after practices he would shake and squeeze Javi's shoulders and congratulate him on a good practice. _When did Yuzu start seeking another’s touch so much?_

Javi ends up staring at the ceiling every night trying to figure out what was truly happening between the two of them. He knows what his feelings are towards Yuzu, but he is still a mystery to him on a personal, emotional level. Javi thought that not being rivals anymore and spending time together outside the club and skating would help. So far it hasn't.

They've hung out a couple more times that same week, Yuzu coming over and them eating dinner and playing video games. Another night that Yuzu invited him over to have dinner with him and his mom. Yuzu saying Yumi offered to make him a home cooked meal instead of takeout his entire stay and "payback" for feeding Yuzu. It somehow always ends with blushing smiles and warm hugs, and Javi even more conflicted. His mind feels like a yo-yo.

Javi spent some time catching up with some of the friends he made during his years in Canada during the weekend. Trying to take his mind off Yuzu for a little. Sunday after seeing with some friends, it was still early evening so Javi decided to take his chances and text Yuzu if he wanted to come over for some more video games and a movie. He had to wait about ten minutes to get a response from him.

_Yuzu>>Sure! Give me about half hour to finish paper? (^ v ^)_

Javi<<Sounds good! No hurry! =D

Forty-five minutes later, there's a knock on the door. Javi goes and opens the door to welcome Yuzu in. He thanks Javi for inviting him over again because he really needed the break from his work. Javi listens to Yuzu talk about his latest assignment while he loads up a game. They sit together on the couch just like the other gaming nights. They play round after round, Javi getting better and putting up a good fight but Yuzu still beats him.

They continue playing for some time and ends again like it did the first night. Javi is trying to get the upper hand by distracting and sabotaging him and it leads to Javi tickling Yuzu. This time though, instead of Javi stopping, Yuzu tries to retaliate and ends ups slightly losing his balance and ending up mostly on his back...and Javi over top of him. When they both look at each other in the eyes, they finally realize the position they are in. They both stop, but neither pull away. Javi can feel Yuzu's erratic breathing on his lips. Javi doesn't know what to do, his emotions are telling him one thing but his mind is saying another. He moves Yuzu's hair slightly out of his eyes and hears his breath catch slightly. Yuzu shifts underneath him and breaks eye contact and just like that whatever it was that Javi saw and thought he felt there, was gone. 

He shifts backwards to allow Yuzu to sit back up, as he tries to think of something to say. Yuzu is no longer looking at him and is playing with his hair behind his ear. He clears his throat and without looking at Javi says it's about time for him to head back home.

_"I...uh...had fun again...ummm...you're getting better at game," _he says as he rushes to pack up, his walls going back into place.

Javi shakes his head to snap back to reality, _"Yeah...me too. It's an interesting game..." _Yuzu is still avoiding looking at him as he goes to put his shoes on. Javi is trying to read him but he can't. He's never seen Yuzu quite this flustered.

_"Thanks again for inviting me" _Yuzu says finally looking at Javi but it doesn't quite reach his eyes. He can see the walls building right back up around him.

_"Yeah..it was fun, thanks for coming over" _Javi forces himself to say while he's trying to control how he's feeling.

Yuzu leaves this time without hugging Javi and without Javi walking him out and watching after him to the elevator. Javi stays rooted to the spot he's standing in, staring at the door. _What just happened..._Javi thinks to himself. He's unsure how long he stays standing there. Eventually he readies himself for bed and lies down. _What does Yuzu feel? Am I reading too much into this? Is he really that scared of me now? _

Javi doesn't sleep more than three hours that night, and tosses and turns most of the other nights. It’s an internal struggle for him everything he’s feeling. Javi is a mess everyday he comes home from practice, to the point it brings tears to his eyes. Never did he think it would lead to him crying in the shower or when he can't sleep and is staring at the ceiling. Yuzu is avoiding him. He won't look at him; he has not sat with him during breaks, yet he still somehow timidly seeks for Javi’s touch after a fall. But that’s all the further it goes. Javi doesn't know what to think or what Yuzu is thinking because he’s still avoiding eye contact as much as possible. All Javi sees is that it is affecting Yuzu too by dark circles under his eyes and the amount of times he has seen him fall, even on his trusty triple axel. _What is going on?!_

Somehow they both are able to hide that something is going on between them from their coaches. No one asks why the two of them seem quieter around each other during Javi's last couple days. Brian and Tracy even arrange a party the day before Javi and Brian are to travel out to Minsk for his final European Championship competition. Everyone from training is there, skaters, new and old and his coaches, to wish Javi well on and good luck for his final competition. Javi didn't think Yuzu would show up, but he does and tries to blend in and chat with the others but still effectively avoiding Javi.

When Javi sees Yuzu walk out for a moment, he feels this is his chance to settle this. He follows Yuzu from a distance to see where he's heading. He shouldn't be surprised that he finds himself following him into the rink.

_"You're not even going to say goodbye?" _Javi asks, his voice already hoarse and betraying him with emotion.

Yuzu tenses at hearing his voice. _"Goodbye makes it real" _Says Yuzu turning around to look at Javi. Javi notices Yuzu is fighting so hard to keep it lock within himself, hidden behind his walls but his eyes are betraying him and that's what breaks Javi.

_"What is this Yuzu? What are we doing?"_Javi asks as his voice continues to give in to his emotions.

Yuzu stares back at him, like a deer in headlights, _"I...I don't understand..." _Yuzu says quietly as he shifts his weight back and forth.

_"Bullshit, you know exactly what I mean. We haven't spoken in days! Something happened and you're avoiding it, and avoiding me!" _Javi replies, his voice beginning to rise.

_"I...I can't talk about this...not now"_Yuzu says as his voice is beginning to tremble.

Javi bites his lip and looks away. He's just vibrating with emotions he has bottled up for too long. _"Can’t? Or won’t? Do you have ANY idea of what I am feeling? How I feel about you? What you mean to ME?"_Javi says trying to meet Yuzu's gaze that has now dropped to staring at shoes.

Yuzu takes a deep, shaky breath looking up with tears in his eyes and steps towards Javi till they are right in front of each other. _"Ha...Habi...I.." _Yuzu stammers reaching to touch Javi's cheek. Just like Javi used to do to him to comfort him.

Javi takes a couple steps backward out of Yuzu's reach. _"No...don't. Not now...If you touched me, that's all you'd focus on, right? I want you to look AT me. I don't want you to want my body. The physical comfort. I want you to want the feelings I can give you. What do you see? What do you feel?" _asks Javi as the tears that were building up finally begin to spill over.

Yuzu takes a deep steadying breathe, _"Habi...I..I can't, I don't know how to...to say.." _he replies with his own watery words.

_"Yusu...you mean everything to me. Ever since the Olympics and touring together, things have changed. Shortly after my birthday I knew, especially after Marina left. I couldn't blame her. I talked about you more than anything."_Javi says looking right at Yuzu, not allowing himself to look away.

Yuzu just stands there gaping a Javi, chest rising and falling faster than before. How did he not know that Javi and Marina had broken up? Javi was sure that most of his friends knew, especially when he talked to his skating friends during the tour. He thought for sure Yuzu would have known even if he had not told him himself.

Yuzu was unable to say anything. No words would come out. So Javi took that as his final response, _"I just want you to know, the words I once told you years ago, are still true to this day and they always will be Yusu…You will always be the champion of my heart."_

Javi didn't give Yuzu a chance to respond as he turned around and walked out of the rink. He went to the restroom next to the dance classrooms to give himself a minute to calm down and pull himself together. He doesn't think he'll have to worry about running into Yuzu going back to the party. He's sure he's probably telling someone he has to get home but he gives it a little time before he heads back himself to be there for the end of the party.

The party ends shortly after Javi comes back, Jason confirming what he already knew, Yuzu already went home. Javi then thanks everyone for all the years of support and friendship with a promise to visit. He has an early afternoon flight the next day and he should probably double check he has everything packed. After exchanging handshakes, hugs and some pictures, Javi heads back to his Airbnb. Walking back allows him time to think back to his confrontation with Yuzu. How angry, frustrated, sad he is that this was how it turned out. He thought for sure things would have come out differently. 

After checking his bags, the space one last time, flight information and sets his alarms, he is mentally and physically drained. He is still deep asleep, never hearing the knocking on the door by a certain Japanese boy...

** _"When the Olympic Games were over, and this season began, I realized how special it was to practice with you… I will never forget your performance. Thank you for allowing me to come to Toronto. I respect you forever. Vamos Habi"_ **

Those words keep playing through Javi's mind as he prepares for his final competition. He watches it over and over as he sits on his bed back in the hotel room. He looks at Yuzu's face and sees the sadness, hurt, but also how true those words are to Yuzu. He thinks back to all the interviews and press conferences they've shared but also ones where they weren't at the same competition. No matter that they were technically rivals, competing together or not, that's how Yuzu was trying to express his feelings. He was doing it the only way he knows how, in skating terms and gratitude. Javi should have known better. He should have understood sooner. Javi has to put it behind him for now. He has his last European Championship to win. He can worry about fixing the mess he started when he wasn't upfront with his own feelings after.

Javi exchanges hugs with Brian and many others after. Feeling the weight of his seventh gold medal. His seventh European Championship Gold Medal. He couldn't believe it was really over...

_Yuzu>>Congratulations 7x European Champion! Make everyone proud! (^ V ^)_

Javi stares at Yuzu's message for what feels like hours before he responds.

Javi<<Thank you Yuzu! Your support means a lot.

Javi<<Are you free to video chat? I think we should talk.

...

...

Yuzu>>Yes, I agree...we need to talk. I'll call you in 10 minutes? I'm just making some tea.

Javi<<I will wait for you, always.

...

Yuzu>> :D

…

…

…

Yuzu>> <3

Javi still isn't sure where this is going or where they will end up. But one thing he knows for sure, there's no one like Yuzuru Hanyu, and there never will be. A boy that has given up many things, including happiness to fulfill his dreams. Just like there's no one like Javier Fernandez Lopez, following a similar path and building for the future. They can find a way, because whether they realize it or not, they've been fighting for it for years. They just have to fight for it, together. <3


End file.
